Death is a Weird Thing

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One day your mom could be in your kitchen cooking dinner. The next she could be gone. One day you can leave for school and before you even come home, she’s gone. The latter is what happened to me.

On the morning on January 15, 2013, I knew my mom wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t think much of it, I thought it was only a cold. I went through my morning routine of brushing my hair, my teeth, and dressing myself, among other mundane tasks. Then I rushed out the door, throwing a casual “I LOVE YOU!” over my shoulder. I never expected those words to be the last words I ever spoke to my mom.

I’m glad that those were the last words I spoke to her though, though. I needed to make sure she knew I loved her. In my heart, I know she knew I loved her more than anything in the entire world. And I still do.

I went through the school day without even thinking that there was a possibility my own mother could be dying. But, during sixth hour, my heart sort of skipped a beat and I got a little nauseous. I ignored this weird sensation and went onto my seventh hour.

We were watching a movie in Spanish 2 about this guy that was traveling through a South American country, since we had a sub. I was pretty preoccupied watching this movie until a security guard comes into my classroom and speaks to the sub. The next thing I know, I’m following this security guard down the hall, thinking I’m in trouble for some reason. He blatantly asks me if I know why I’m going down to the office; my mind spirals out of control. My palms get clammy, my whole body starts to tremble. (My automatic reaction whenever I’m called down to the office.) I say that I have no idea and that I’ve never been in this kind of trouble before. (If you know me, I’m probably one of the biggest goody-two shoes ever.) He remains silent.

I enter the office through the front office door and I see my twin sister sitting on the couch with her backpack. We share a confused look, and I think I mouth her a question, asking if she knows why we’re here. She shakes her head. I’m incredibly nervous as we’re led into a conference room by an administrator. (There’s no hope in recovering who it was, there’s too much trauma.) I see my grandma, my uncle and his wife sat down at the east end if the table. There is an old man sitting one chair away from my uncle’s wife, who I later learn is the County Chaplin.

There is one person who I immediately recognize as missing. My mother. My heart starts to beat rapidly and my hands tremor. I look at my grandma, who’s teary-eyed, but trying to fake a smile. I give her a shaky smile back as she reaches for my hand. I then look to my uncle who’s eyes are red and watery. This is the first time in my life where I’ve ever seen my uncle have watery eyes. That’s when I know something’s wrong. My uncle proceeds to reach for my sister’s and I’s hands and holds them as he says, “Girls, your mother has passed away.”

My sister immediately breaks down into sobs and my uncle lets a few tears slip. I don’t cry right away. I felt like I needed to be strong for my grandma and my sister. My mom always used to be the rock of our family. I now felt as if it was my turn to be the rock. And I was… until, we went to tell my dad that my mom, his ex-wife (who he had a fairly healthy-friendly relationship with) had passed away around noon that day. He sat by my sister and I on the floor while rubbing our knees and crying along with us.

That night and a few more nights, my sister and I stayed with our dad because we just couldn’t bear going back home without seeing our mom there. We eventually went back to the house, only it didn’t quite feel like a home without our mom there.

The grieving process is different for everyone. Some peoples’ processes are shorter than others, and some are longer. Sometimes you can stay in one stage for a longer amount of time than the others. It’s different for everyone. I don’t even know which stage I was in for the most amount of time. It’s all a blur, really.

Losing someone you love more than anything, someone that has cared for you and provided for you since day one is the worst thing that can possibly happen. Simply put, it rips your heart out. But you have to get up from the lowest rung of your ladder and climb your way up to your highest.

Mama, I know you’re somewhere looking down upon me. I want you to know that I’m sorry for some of the things I said to you, some of the things I put you through, and some of the things I forced you to buy for me. I regret those things, but I am not dwelling on them. I want you to know that I loved you then, I love you now, and I will always love you. No matter what. I will always remember you. I miss you a lot, a lot, a lot, but I know you’re in a better place. I’m truly thankful for the wonderful 15 years of my life that you were apart of physically, but I am and will be even more thankful that you’re going to be apart of my future years spiritually. When I walk down the aisle at graduation, I know you’ll be there, cheering me on. When I walk down the wedding aisle, I know you’ll be there, with tears in your eyes, and with a beautiful, happy smile on your face. Even when I’m walking down the grocery store aisle, I know you’ll be there, trying to convince me to buy the store brand cereal. My point is that even if you’re not here physically, I know you’re forever with me in my heart.

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.

-Robert Frost

Disclaimer: This took a lot of courage and bravery to write out because it’s lived in my brain since that January day. Please be gentle.

Twins 4 Life

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I’ve been a twin all my life. (Obviously). Although I’ve had moments where I absolutely hated my twin sister, I can’t love her more than I do already. My twin’s name is Kaitlyn and she’s honestly one of my best friends. That sounds cheesy as hell, but it’s true. I can depend on her more than any of my other friends, and she’s always there for me when some of my other friends are not.

Now we don’t talk about really personal things because ew, and it crosses the line we’ve set as our boundary. We also have things we don’t tolerate talking about to each other. But sometimes you can casually mention these topics in passing and hope the other doesn’t murder you. (My topics are One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer.) (Kaitlyn’s topic is… hmm Kaitlyn doesn’t really have a topic.) There are times where she will punch me in the arm and yell at me to shut up, but  there are also times where she will indifferently listen to me and occasionally nod in understanding.

We aren’t identical twins, we’re fraternal twins. That means we don’t look exactly alike or act in the same way. Although some people think identical twins think and act alike, they don’t. I can promise you that they don’t. Every twin is their own person, even though they were squished in the same womb together.

We have the same main group of friends, but we have other separate groups of friends we’ve made on our own, too. Our longest known friend is Becca, and we’ve known her since first grade. The friend we’ve known the second longest is probably Mary. We met her in junior high, thanks to Becca. Then Becca introduced us to Isabel and Miranda in junior high after we met Mary and we’ve all remained friends since. We have frequent sleepovers that are tons and tons of fun. Then, when we entered high school we made lots and lots of new friends at Free State. We’ve met and befriended bunches of people on the newspaper staff and I’ve found people who share my common interests, and become friends with them. As has Kaitlyn.

I’ve never formally met another set of twins, so I honestly have no idea how Kaitlyn and I’s relationship compares to other twins’ relationships. But I’ve seen some of the other sets of twins at Free State and they seem to hang around each other just as much as Kaitlyn and I do. I don’t think they have the same group of friends, but I’m not completely sure.

What I’m saying is that being a twin is pretty cool, even though you sometimes wish you could murder the other one. I love Kaitlyn a lot and if we go separate ways for college I’m going to miss her more than a bunch. Even though we’re going to be apart, we will no doubt Skype each other from wherever we end up and remain just as close as we are today.

And now for an “infographic”

Questions twins get asked every time they meet someone new:

[Suspicious glances] “Are you guys twins???”

“Who’s the oldest?” & To younger twin: “And how do you feel about that?”

“Do you finish each other’s sentences?”

“Which twin is the evil twin?” & “Which twin is the nice twin?”

“Why do you have similar names?”

“Can you, like, read each other’s minds?”

“Can you feel each other’s pain?”

“Did you ever dress alike when you were younger?” (See the slideshow above and see for yourself.)

“What’s it like being a twin?”

Reactions twins receive after they answer the stranger’s questions:

“YOU’RE TWINS?????????????????????????”

or

“I kNEW IT.” (I imagine them to perform a little victory dance in their minds)

Questions people related to the pair of twins get asked:

To mother: “OOH, how was it??? Carrying two babies at once?”

To parents: “Oh, they must’ve been a handful when they were younger, huh.”

Nicknames twins get:

“The [Insert last name here] Twins”

“The [Insert gender here]s” (Ex: The Girls, The Boys)